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  #1 (permalink)  
Old 09-13-2006, 02:02 AM
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Add a joke

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to
go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under
the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque."



"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you. But,
whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! I
REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"



When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he
discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just
as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman
go about his work.



The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant
yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain
himself any longer and yelled,



"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"



To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

Your turn
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  #2 (permalink)  
Old 09-13-2006, 03:11 AM
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A young man starts work at the local adult toy store. The owner says he has to go and tells the young man, if you can't find a price on something make one up.

A white chick comes in and asks "how much for the white dildo?" he says "10 bucks" and she takes it.

A black chick comes in and asks " how much for the black dildo?" he says "20 bucks" and she takes it.

A biker chick comes in and asks "how much for the plaid dildo?" he says "30 bucks" and she takes it.

The boss comes back and asks what happened while he was out and the young man replies, "I sold a white dildo to a white chick for $10, a black dildo to a black chick for $20 and a biker chick bought my thermos for $30.
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Old 09-13-2006, 07:01 AM
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A biker walks into a convenience at about 2:30 in the morning. He walks up to the cashier and asks "Where are your tampons?" The clerk goes, "Right down on aisle three, on the end to the left." Biker disappears down the aisle and finally, about 45 min. later he returns carrying toilet paper and cotton balls. The cashier starts to ring him up and goes, "You know, I know it's none of my business, but I thought you were here for tampons." Biker goes, "Well, last week I sent my ol' lady out for smokes and she comes back with ziz zags and tobacco, by God that fucking bitch can roll her own too."
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  #4 (permalink)  
Old 09-13-2006, 07:20 AM
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Pick-up lines you might want to avoid using at the local biker bar!

1. If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?

2. I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.

3. If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!

4. How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?

5. I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.

6. You are so fine that I'd eat your shit just to see where it came from.

7. My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.

8. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go fuck.

9. Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass!

10. If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, could I meet you between the holidays?

11. You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you!

12. Your parents must be retarded, because you are special.

13. Could I touch your belly button . . . from the inside?

14. I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I = 69?

15. How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.

16. Guy: "Would you like to dance?"
Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you."
Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants"

17. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.

18. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?

19. I love every bone in your body - especially mine.

20. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

21. Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead, yield?

22. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this motel room.

23. Wanna play Pearl Harbor?....Its a game where I lay back while you blow the hell out of me.

24. Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

25. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

26. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

27. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.

28. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.

29. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.
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"if i got all bent out of shape over folks i don't respect... i might wake up with your life"
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Old 09-13-2006, 07:23 AM
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Rick, get off our biker jokes site, I was gonna post that one!.....
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  #6 (permalink)  
Old 09-13-2006, 08:57 AM
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Haha!!!!!!
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...Handle every stressfull situation like a dog...if you can't eat it or hump it...piss on it and walk away...
"if i got all bent out of shape over folks i don't respect... i might wake up with your life"
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  #7 (permalink)  
Old 09-13-2006, 04:38 PM
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On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.

Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his dick and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Harley to pick up chicks.
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  #8 (permalink)  
Old 09-13-2006, 06:20 PM
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A young guy from Minnesota moved to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota."

Well, the boss liked the looks of the kid, so he gave him a job and said
"You start tomorrow, and I'll come down after we close and see how
you did. Ok?"

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it, and after the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many customers bought something from you on your first day?"

The kid says, "One".

The boss says, "Just One? You know our sales people average on a slow day 20 to 30 customers, but you had "JUST ONE". And how much was your JUST ONE for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.65."

The boss said, "What? $101,237.65? What did you sell?''

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him
a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that "4X4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A man came in here to buy a fishing hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

"No," said the kid. "The man came in to buy Tampons for his wife and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing'."
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Old 09-13-2006, 06:32 PM
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Thats a good one Jim!!!!!!!!!
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Old 09-14-2006, 01:40 AM
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but true!!.....
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Old 09-14-2006, 02:42 AM
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Foul Mouths

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country....we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.........

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."


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  #12 (permalink)  
Old 09-14-2006, 06:58 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by freeway


but true!!.....
Dont fancy yours much Si
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Old 09-14-2006, 12:09 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chopperrider
Dont fancy yours much Si
Nah! you never did like auburn hair did you?.....
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Old 09-14-2006, 12:19 PM
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Actually theres a bigger difference. American woman shave there arm pits!!!
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...Handle every stressfull situation like a dog...if you can't eat it or hump it...piss on it and walk away...
"if i got all bent out of shape over folks i don't respect... i might wake up with your life"
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  #15 (permalink)  
Old 09-14-2006, 01:04 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rlwjr13
Actually theres a bigger difference. American woman shave there arm pits!!!
I don`t know where that comes from, English women shave their pits, well all the women I knew did anyway...
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