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  #1141 (permalink)  
Old 04-02-2016, 08:15 PM
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  #1142 (permalink)  
Old 04-05-2016, 06:02 PM
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80 year old woman sitting next to her 85 year old husband.
She asks him with a serious look. What would you do if I started smoking?
Old man replies: Slow down and add more lube...

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  #1143 (permalink)  
Old 05-06-2016, 05:12 AM
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A brunette and a blonde were in the elevator when a handsome young man stepped on. Both women were admiring his physique. He stepped off on the next floor.
Brunette says to the blonde, what a shame the stud had such terrible dandruff and someone should give him Head and Shoulders.
Blonde says, how do you give shoulders?
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  #1144 (permalink)  
Old 05-23-2016, 08:28 AM
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A woman arrives at a party and while scanning the guests, spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello, my name is Carmen."
"That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"
"No." she answers. "As a matter of fact, I gave it to myself. It represents the things I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore, I chose 'Carmen'. So what's your name?"
He replies, "B.J. Titengolf. A pleasure to meet you."
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  #1145 (permalink)  
Old 06-28-2016, 09:15 AM
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A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students.
The teacher asked, 'Harry, what exactly is your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms. Brooks finally had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test.
If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry: '9..'
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'Y’know I reckon Harry can go to the 3rd grade'
But Ms. Brooks is still sceptical of the little bugger and says to the principal, 'Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions..'
The principal and Harry both agree.
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs..'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets..’ to the Principal’s great relief…..
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'
By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open..
Ms.. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
Now the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could intervene, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question……
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher,
" Put the little bastard in 5th-Grade, I got the last seven questions wrong myself..."
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  #1146 (permalink)  
Old 08-02-2017, 06:22 AM
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A tourist was fishing off the coast of Florida when his boat tipped over. He could swim, but he was afraid of alligators and hung on to the side of the overturned boat. Spotting an old woman standing on the shore, the tourist shouted out, “Are there any ’gators around here?” “Naw,” the woman hollered back. “They haven’t been around here for years!” Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming calmly toward the shore. About halfway there, he asked the woman, “How’d you get rid of the ’gators?” “We didn’t do anything,” said the woman. “The sharks got ’em.”
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  #1147 (permalink)  
Old 09-13-2017, 06:05 AM
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*People often complain about the police, but you rarely hear about the positive things they do, such as this incident involving a biker and a frozen carburetor.*

*Last January on a bitterly cold winter's day, a North Dakota State Trooper on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside. The biker was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full-face helmet to protect the face from the cold weather.*

*“What’s the matter? asked the Trooper *

*"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply. *

*"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out.” *

*"I can't," said the biker. *

*"OK, watch me closely and I'll show you." The Trooper unzipped and promptly warmed the carburetor as promised. *

*Moments later the bike started and the rider drove off, waving. *

*A few days later, the local State Troopers’ office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorcyclist.*

*It began: "On behalf of my daughter Jill..."*
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  #1148 (permalink)  
Old 02-25-2018, 06:55 AM
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An old man is sitting out on his porch on a warm spring day. As he relaxes and cracks open a cold one, his young grandson comes outside and asks him, "Grandpa, can I have one of those?" He quickly replies, "Can your pecker touch your a$$hole?" Grandson says, "No grandpa, I am too little, my pecker is too small." Grandpa replies, "Then you can't have one of these."

A little time passes and grandpa breaks out a stogie and begins to light it up. As he does so the grandson spots him and comes out on the porch to ask him, "Grandpa, can I have one of those?" Grandpa replies, "Can your pecker touch your a$$hole?" Grandson answers, "No grandpa, I am not big enough yet." Grandpa replies, well then you can't have one of these."

Later that afternoon, Grandpa spots Grandson as he comes out on the porch with a big plate of freshly baked cookies. Grandpa quickly asks him, "Grandson, can I have one of those?" The grandson quickly replies, "Can your pecker touch your a$$hole?" The grandpa proudly responds, "Heck yea my pecker can touch my a$$hole!"

The grandson then replies, "Well go f%@# yourself then because grandma made these cookies for me!"
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  #1149 (permalink)  
Old 02-28-2018, 12:52 AM
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My German girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1-10. Last night we tried anal. She kept yelling 9. That's the best I've ever done.
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  #1150 (permalink)  
Old 03-13-2018, 08:43 AM
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An inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson,
> died and went to heaven.
>
> At the pearly gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been
> such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your
> reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
>
>
>
> Arthur thought about this for a minute and then said, "I want to
> hang out with God."
>
> St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to
> God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the
> one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"
>
> Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."
>
> God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's
> pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without
> a road?"
>
> Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse
> me, but aren't you the inventor of the woman?"
>
>
>
> God said, "Yes."
>
> "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some
> major design flaws in your invention too:
>
> 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
> 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
> 3. Most of the rear ends are too soft, and wobble too much;
> 4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
> 5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"
>
> "Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
>
> God went to His Celestial supercomputer, typed in some key words
> and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of
> paper and God read it.
>
> "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to
> Arthur, "but according to these statistics, more men are riding my
> invention than yours."
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  #1151 (permalink)  
Old 07-01-2018, 10:04 AM
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A man walks in to his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, “What are you doing?”

She answers, “I’m moving to Nevada. I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400 to do what I’m doing for YOU for FREE!”

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks in to the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. She asks, “Where are YOU going?”

He replies, “I’m coming, too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year.”
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  #1152 (permalink)  
Old 08-09-2018, 02:52 PM
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A blonde was driving home after a night out and got caught in a really bad hailstorm.
Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.
The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.
He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe.
Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Duh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."
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  #1153 (permalink)  
Old 08-25-2018, 02:52 AM
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A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger lady at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring. The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.' At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000 the jeweller said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.' The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.' On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'Sir...There's no money in that account. ''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.'
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  #1154 (permalink)  
Old 10-18-2018, 04:34 AM
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The first dog, a big dog, walks to the bar and asks for 3 frothy beers. The barman is stunned and exclaims "What!? A talking dog! I can't believe it!"

The dog sighs. "I get this all the time! I'm a talking dog. Whoopty doo. My name is Huey and I do regular dog things. I chase cars, drag my arse on the carpet, eat bones and fuck old socks." He takes the beers and returns to his seat.

15 minutes later the second dog, an even bigger dog, approaches the bar and orders 3 frothy beers. "You're kidding me! Another talking dog!?".

The dog sighs. "I get this all the time! I'm a talking dog. Whoopty doo. My name is Duey and I do regular dog things. I chase cars, drag my arse on the carpet, eat bones and fuck old socks." He takes the beers and returns to his seat.

15 minutes later the third dog approaches the bar. The barman excitedly asks "Let me guess, your name is Luey and you do regular dog things too?"

"No." the dog replied, "My name is Socks and I've had a terrible day .. just get the fucking beers."
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