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  #91 (permalink)  
Old 11-17-2006, 11:12 AM
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A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human
Beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she
volunteered.

the teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
Rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff,
Fffff'... and before he could say "Fuck," the Rottweiler ate him!"
__________________
2005 BDM Chopper and a 1980 80" Customized Shovelhead.

Never argue with a moron, they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

I like my bikes to look ridden and my tools to look used.


www.ShadetreesMachineShop.com
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  #92 (permalink)  
Old 11-17-2006, 11:13 AM
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TOP 12 COUNTRY SONGS For 2006:


12. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.


11. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass Out All Day Long.


10. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.


9. I Liked You Better Before I Got To Know You So Well.


8. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.


7. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.


6. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.


5. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here.


4. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now.


3. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him.


2. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.


And The Number #1 Country Song Is:


1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With Ugly Women But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few!
__________________
2005 BDM Chopper and a 1980 80" Customized Shovelhead.

Never argue with a moron, they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

I like my bikes to look ridden and my tools to look used.


www.ShadetreesMachineShop.com
Thanks for looking.
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  #93 (permalink)  
Old 11-17-2006, 11:14 AM
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Bubba's sister is pregnant and is in a bad car accident, which caused her to
fall into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she awakens and sees that
she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, " Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl. The babies
are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh, no! Not Bubba; he's an idiot!" Expecting
the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor answers.

The new mother thinks, "Wow! That's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong
about my brother. I really like the name Denise."

Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, "Denephew."
__________________
2005 BDM Chopper and a 1980 80" Customized Shovelhead.

Never argue with a moron, they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

I like my bikes to look ridden and my tools to look used.


www.ShadetreesMachineShop.com
Thanks for looking.
Reply With Quote
  #94 (permalink)  
Old 11-17-2006, 11:15 AM
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While I Was Watching The Tv One Weekend, My Wife And I Got Into A
Conversation About Life And Death And The Need For Living Wills.
During The Course Of The Conversation I Told Her That I Never Want
To Exist In A Vegetative State, Dependent On Some Machine And Take
Liquids From A Bottle.
She Got Up, Unplugged The Tv And Threw Out All My Beer.
__________________
2005 BDM Chopper and a 1980 80" Customized Shovelhead.

Never argue with a moron, they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

I like my bikes to look ridden and my tools to look used.


www.ShadetreesMachineShop.com
Thanks for looking.
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  #95 (permalink)  
Old 11-17-2006, 11:15 AM
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The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a
speech, and walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush.
They shook hands, and as they walked, the Iranian
said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America.

President Bush said, "Well, if there's anything I can do to
help you, I will."

The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek'
and in it there is Chekhov, who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu
who is Chinese, but there are no Arabs.

My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians
on Star Trek."

President Bush laughed, leaned toward the Iranian
ambassador, and whispered back, "It's because it takes place in the
future."
__________________
2005 BDM Chopper and a 1980 80" Customized Shovelhead.

Never argue with a moron, they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

I like my bikes to look ridden and my tools to look used.


www.ShadetreesMachineShop.com
Thanks for looking.
Reply With Quote
  #96 (permalink)  
Old 11-17-2006, 11:16 AM
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A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a
Uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Crown Royal

whiskey" and women with big tits.
__________________
2005 BDM Chopper and a 1980 80" Customized Shovelhead.

Never argue with a moron, they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

I like my bikes to look ridden and my tools to look used.


www.ShadetreesMachineShop.com
Thanks for looking.
Reply With Quote
  #97 (permalink)  
Old 11-17-2006, 11:17 AM
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A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around
the block?

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

T he little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take LulaBelle
for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat,
and to come to you."

The Dad says, "Bring LulaBelle over here." He took a rag, soaked it
with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the
scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep LulaBelle on the leash and
only go one time around the block."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the
leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Lul aBelle?"



The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block,
so another dog is pushing her home.
__________________
2005 BDM Chopper and a 1980 80" Customized Shovelhead.

Never argue with a moron, they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

I like my bikes to look ridden and my tools to look used.


www.ShadetreesMachineShop.com
Thanks for looking.
Reply With Quote
  #98 (permalink)  
Old 11-17-2006, 11:18 AM
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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello.

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you Know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful To his wife and says,

"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I had sex with on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."
__________________
2005 BDM Chopper and a 1980 80" Customized Shovelhead.

Never argue with a moron, they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

I like my bikes to look ridden and my tools to look used.


www.ShadetreesMachineShop.com
Thanks for looking.
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  #99 (permalink)  
Old 11-17-2006, 11:18 AM
Skynut's Avatar
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An old man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.
Priest: Are you sorry for your sins?
Man: What sins?
Priest: What kind of a Catholic are you?
Man: I'm Jewish
Priest: Why are you telling me all this?
Man: I'm telling everybody!




BROTHEL TRIP
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.
Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
"I'm 90 years old," he says.
"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"
"Oh, sorry," says the old man, "how much do I owe you?"
__________________
2005 BDM Chopper and a 1980 80" Customized Shovelhead.

Never argue with a moron, they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

I like my bikes to look ridden and my tools to look used.


www.ShadetreesMachineShop.com
Thanks for looking.
Reply With Quote
  #100 (permalink)  
Old 11-17-2006, 11:19 AM
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A Mafia Godfather learns that his bookkeeper has embezzled ten million dollars.
The bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything that he'd ever have to testify about in court.
So when the Godfather interrogates the bookkeeper about the missing $10 million, he brings along an attorney who knows sign language.
The Godfather asks the bookkeeper, "Where's the 10 million you embezzled from me?"
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million is hidden.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeepers temple, cocks it, and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !"
The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
__________________
2005 BDM Chopper and a 1980 80" Customized Shovelhead.

Never argue with a moron, they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

I like my bikes to look ridden and my tools to look used.


www.ShadetreesMachineShop.com
Thanks for looking.
Reply With Quote
  #101 (permalink)  
Old 11-17-2006, 11:20 AM
Skynut's Avatar
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Steve Irwins brand of sunglasses had to be pulled from the shelves.



They failed to protect against deadly rays.
__________________
2005 BDM Chopper and a 1980 80" Customized Shovelhead.

Never argue with a moron, they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

I like my bikes to look ridden and my tools to look used.


www.ShadetreesMachineShop.com
Thanks for looking.
Reply With Quote
  #102 (permalink)  
Old 11-17-2006, 11:20 AM
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THE YEAR'S BEST (actual HEADLINES OF 2006: Half the year's gone by, but they are pretty neat, so...enjoy!


Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
Imagine that!



Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says


No, really?


Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!


Is There a Ring of Debris
around Uranus?
What??

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!


Miners Refuse to Work
after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!


War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!


If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly,
It May Last Awhile
You think?!


Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!





Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain;


Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!


Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!




Man Struck By Lightning:

Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge










New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!



Astronaut Takes Blame for
Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!










Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts

Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!










Hospitals are Sued by

7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!


And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that sign right?
__________________
2005 BDM Chopper and a 1980 80" Customized Shovelhead.

Never argue with a moron, they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

I like my bikes to look ridden and my tools to look used.


www.ShadetreesMachineShop.com
Thanks for looking.
Reply With Quote
  #103 (permalink)  
Old 11-17-2006, 11:21 AM
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A frog walks into a bank, and sits down at the desk of the loan officer,
Patricia Mack.

He says, " I'd like to borrow $30,000, please, Ms. Mack. I need a vacation."


She looks at him with a puzzled expression on her face, says "Call me Patty, OK?", asks him what his name is.


"Kermit Jagger", the frog replies. " I'm Mick Jaggers' son, and I'm a personal friend of the manager".


"Well, we don't normally loan money to frogs", Mrs. Mack says. "Do you have
any collateral?"


"Sure," says the frog. At which point he hands Mrs. Mack a small pink
ceramic elephant.


Patricia Mack takes the elephant from Kermit, and tells him she needs to check with the bank manager first.


Moments later, she's standing in the managers office relating the entire story
for him. She says "There's a frog outside who claims he's Mick Jaggers' son, and that he knows you. He's looking to borrow $30,000, and he's offering
this elephant as collateral. But I don't understand... what the Hell is it?"


The manager looks at Mrs. Mack and says...






















"It's a knickknack, Patty Mack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a
Rolling Stone."
__________________
2005 BDM Chopper and a 1980 80" Customized Shovelhead.

Never argue with a moron, they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

I like my bikes to look ridden and my tools to look used.


www.ShadetreesMachineShop.com
Thanks for looking.
Reply With Quote
  #104 (permalink)  
Old 11-17-2006, 11:22 AM
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Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school
playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and
saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not
contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.


"Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with
Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss,
then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take
his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this
is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper
time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell
his story. Johnny started his story,

"I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into
the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt
Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane
helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing
the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in
the Army."

Mommy fainted!

Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story
before you interrupt.
__________________
2005 BDM Chopper and a 1980 80" Customized Shovelhead.

Never argue with a moron, they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

I like my bikes to look ridden and my tools to look used.


www.ShadetreesMachineShop.com
Thanks for looking.
Reply With Quote
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  #105 (permalink)  
Old 11-17-2006, 11:24 AM
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A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table, until the wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drink right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My goodness!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
__________________
2005 BDM Chopper and a 1980 80" Customized Shovelhead.

Never argue with a moron, they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

I like my bikes to look ridden and my tools to look used.


www.ShadetreesMachineShop.com
Thanks for looking.
Reply With Quote
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