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  #61 (permalink)  
Old 10-31-2006, 09:10 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr Scary
No.

Have you ever tried to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

LOL


That's so fuckin gross i'm crying while rotflmao.

My wife says she'll never eat a grilled cheese sandwich again.
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  #62 (permalink)  
Old 10-31-2006, 10:32 PM
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Q: What do you call a dog with no legs
A: Call him any fuckin thing you want he aint comin

Q: How do you compliment a crack whore
A: Nice tooth

Q: Why did god create women
A: Sheep can't cook

Q: Whats an Irish seven course meal
A: A six pack and a potato

Q: How do you get a nun pregnant
A: Dress her up as an altar boy
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  #63 (permalink)  
Old 11-04-2006, 12:48 AM
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A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."
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  #64 (permalink)  
Old 11-06-2006, 07:33 AM
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Sneaky Diagnosis

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace the
aging doctor there. The older doctor suggested that the younger doctor accompany him as he made his house calls so that the people of the community could become accustomed to
him.
At the first house they visited, the younger doctor listened intently as the older doctor and an older lady discussed the weather, their grandchildren and the latest church bulletin.
After some time, the older doctor asked his patient how she
had been feeling.
"I`ve been a little sick to my stomach," she replied.
"Well," said the older physician, "you`ve probably been
over doing it a bit with the fresh fruit. Why don`t you cut back
on the amount of fresh fruit you eat and see if that helps."
As they left the house, the younger doctor asked how the older doctor had reached his diagnosis so quickly.
"You didn`t even examine that woman," the younger doctor stated.
"I didn`t have to," the elder physician explain. "You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there. Well when I bent over to pick it up, I looked around and noticed a
half dozen banana peels in the trash can. That is probably what has been making her ill."
"That`s pretty sneaky," commented the younger doctor. "Do you mind if I try it at the next house?"
"I don`t suppose it could hurt anything," the elder physician replied.
At the next house, the two doctors visited with an elderly widow. They spent several minutes discussing the weather and grandchildren and the latest church bulletin. After several
minutes, the younger doctor asked the widow how she had been feeling lately.
"I`ve felt terribly run down lately," the widow replied. "I just don`t have as much energy as I used to."
"You`ve probably been doing too much work for the church,"
the younger doctor suggested without even examining his patient. "Perhaps you should ease up a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder physician said, "Your diagnosis is probably right, but do you mind telling me how you came to that conclusion?"
"Sure," replied the younger doctor. "Just like you, I dropped my stethoscope on the floor. When I bent down to pick it up, I looked around and there was the preacher hiding
under the bed!"
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  #65 (permalink)  
Old 11-06-2006, 10:34 AM
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Jimmy gets up early one Saturday morning and decides he's going fishing and the wife and dog are come with him. He wanders down to the kitchen and tells his wife to get dressed cause they're going fishing.

She moans and groans a little bit says she doesnt want to go fishing.

Jimmy says look......you got 3 choices here. One...you go upstairs and get dressed and we go fishin. Two....bend over and I'm giving it to you up the ass. Or three.....get on your knees and give me a blow job.

So she decides WTF......I guess I'll go fishing.

Jimmy heads outside to load up the boat and dog and comes back in about 15 minutes later. The wife is still in the kitchen in her bathrobe. Jimmys a little pissed off now and yells out "Why arent you dressed....I thought you were going fishin with me".

The wife responds "sorry hun..... I changed my mind". So just go ahead and drop your pants and I'll give you that blowjob.

Just as Jimmy whips out his cock and she kneels down and takes a wiff of it, she screams out "My God Jimmy.....whats that fucking smell?".

To which Jimmy quickly responds, "Damn dog didnt want to go either!"
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  #66 (permalink)  
Old 11-17-2006, 12:02 AM
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One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.
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  #67 (permalink)  
Old 11-17-2006, 10:23 AM
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An elderly couple named Margaret and Burt live in Alberta.

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife, "notice anything different about me"? Margaret looks him over, "Nope".

Frustrated Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked exept for the boots.

Again, he asks, a little bit louder this time, " Notice anything different NOW?

Margaret looks up and says, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN , MARGARET"?

"Nope she replies. "IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!!" To which Margaret replies......


"Shoulda bought a hat Bert, shoulda bought a hat."
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  #68 (permalink)  
Old 11-17-2006, 10:54 AM
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While Bubba and Billy Bob were in the local Wal-Mart, they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.

They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.

Billy Bob won 1st place- a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra long spaghetti.

Bubba won 6th prize- a toilet brush.

About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Wal-Mart. Bubba asked Billy! Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied, "Great!, I love spaghetti!"

Billy Bob asked Bubba, "How 'bout you, how's the toilet brush? "Not so good," replied Bubba,"I'm thinking 'bout switching back to paper.
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  #69 (permalink)  
Old 11-17-2006, 10:54 AM
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Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry again. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack his ass again!"
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2005 BDM Chopper and a 1980 80" Customized Shovelhead.

Never argue with a moron, they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

I like my bikes to look ridden and my tools to look used.


www.ShadetreesMachineShop.com
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  #70 (permalink)  
Old 11-17-2006, 10:55 AM
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cant believe I fell for this

A "heads up" for you and any of your guy friends who may be regular Home Depot customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you. Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 18 or 19-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen August 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, three times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy some more wallets.
Again - please beware!!
__________________
2005 BDM Chopper and a 1980 80" Customized Shovelhead.

Never argue with a moron, they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

I like my bikes to look ridden and my tools to look used.


www.ShadetreesMachineShop.com
Thanks for looking.
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  #71 (permalink)  
Old 11-17-2006, 10:56 AM
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A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana, bangs on the bar with his paw, and orders a beer.



The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve beers to bears in bars in Billings".



The bear, becoming angry, again demands a beer from the bartender.



"Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings" says the bartender, more forcefully this time.



The bear, very angry now, says "If you don't serve me a beer right now, I'm gonna eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar!"



"Sorry" says the bartender, "We don't serve beers to belligerent, bullying bears in bars in Billings".



So, the bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman sitting there. He comes back to his seat and demands a beer again.



The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve beers to belligerent, bullying bears
in bars in Billings who are on drugs".




The bear says to the bartender "I am NOT on drugs!!!"




The bartender says to the bear ...






















"You are now. That was a Barbitchyouate".
__________________
2005 BDM Chopper and a 1980 80" Customized Shovelhead.

Never argue with a moron, they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

I like my bikes to look ridden and my tools to look used.


www.ShadetreesMachineShop.com
Thanks for looking.
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  #72 (permalink)  
Old 11-17-2006, 10:57 AM
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On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple are involved in a
fatal car accident.

The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for
St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to
wonder:

Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't
know.
This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out", and he
leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed; and the
couple
is still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that IF they were
allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it
all.

"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together
FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat
bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in
Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things
don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a
priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it would take me to find
a
LAWYER?"
__________________
2005 BDM Chopper and a 1980 80" Customized Shovelhead.

Never argue with a moron, they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

I like my bikes to look ridden and my tools to look used.


www.ShadetreesMachineShop.com
Thanks for looking.
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  #73 (permalink)  
Old 11-17-2006, 10:58 AM
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St Peter looked up and over 1000 folks from New Orleans were converging on the Pearly Gates.

Never having had more than one or two persons a day from New Orleans before, he ran to God and asked him what to do. God told him, "Don't worry, St Peter. There's been a terrible flood in NewOrleans. That's the reason for the large number of New Orleanians showing up at once.

" St Peter ran back to the Pearly Gates and then ran right back to God yelling,"They're gone, they're gone!" God said calmly, "St Peter, those 1000 people from New Orleans could not be gone that quickly." St Peter said, "No, the Pearly Gates! They're gone!"
__________________
2005 BDM Chopper and a 1980 80" Customized Shovelhead.

Never argue with a moron, they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

I like my bikes to look ridden and my tools to look used.


www.ShadetreesMachineShop.com
Thanks for looking.
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  #74 (permalink)  
Old 11-17-2006, 10:58 AM
Skynut's Avatar
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Did you hear about the new very sensitive condum?

After you screw the babe it will stay around and talk to her.
__________________
2005 BDM Chopper and a 1980 80" Customized Shovelhead.

Never argue with a moron, they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

I like my bikes to look ridden and my tools to look used.


www.ShadetreesMachineShop.com
Thanks for looking.
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  #75 (permalink)  
Old 11-17-2006, 10:59 AM
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An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."
__________________
2005 BDM Chopper and a 1980 80" Customized Shovelhead.

Never argue with a moron, they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

I like my bikes to look ridden and my tools to look used.


www.ShadetreesMachineShop.com
Thanks for looking.
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