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  #31 (permalink)  
Old 10-29-2006, 07:10 AM
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What's the difference between Congress and the Library of Congress?

In the Library of Congress you get in trouble for licking the pages....
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  #32 (permalink)  
Old 10-29-2006, 04:33 PM
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Thermometer

Q: Whats the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer
A: Taste
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  #33 (permalink)  
Old 10-30-2006, 09:05 AM
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Q. why do firemen wear red braces?

A.

































to keep their pants up!....
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  #34 (permalink)  
Old 10-30-2006, 09:39 AM
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Thats fuckin lame bro!!!!!!!!!
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  #35 (permalink)  
Old 10-30-2006, 01:40 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by freeway
Q. why do firemen wear red braces?

A.
to keep their pants up!....



I thought it was to straighten their teeth.
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  #36 (permalink)  
Old 10-30-2006, 04:06 PM
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Q: Why did cavemen drag their women by the hair
A: Because if you drag em by the ankles they fill up with dirt

Q: Whats blonde and intelligent
A: Golden retreiver
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  #37 (permalink)  
Old 10-31-2006, 01:41 AM
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Quote:
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I thought it was to straighten their teeth.
possibly...
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  #38 (permalink)  
Old 10-31-2006, 04:36 AM
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A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
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  #39 (permalink)  
Old 10-31-2006, 04:37 AM
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A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.

As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.

"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.

"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."
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  #40 (permalink)  
Old 10-31-2006, 05:01 AM
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Q. Whats 40 foot long and only got eight teeth?



A. The front row of a Rolling Stones concert.
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  #41 (permalink)  
Old 10-31-2006, 11:49 AM
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Oldy but funny!!

**Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If
> > you pay attention to the
> > first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is
> > even better! For those
> > of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true
> > this is. They actually
> > have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes
> > to town. It takes up a
> > major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.
> > The notes are from an
> > inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
> > visiting Texas from the East
> > Coast:
> >
> > Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
> > judge at a chili
> > cook-off. The original person called in sick at the
> > last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table
> > asking for directions to
> > the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was
> > assured by the other two
> > judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be
> > all that spicy and,
> > besides, they told me I could have free beer during
> > the tasting, So I
> > accepted".
> >
> > Here are the scorecards from the event:
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.
> > Amusing kick.
> > Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
> > Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is
> > this stuff?
> > You could remove dried paint from your driveway.
> > Took me two beers to put
> > the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These
> > Texans are crazy.
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
> > jalapeno tang.
> > Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers
> > to be taken seriously.
> > Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.
> > I'm not sure what I'm
> > supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off
> > two people who wanted to
> > give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in
> > more beer when they saw
> > the look on my face.
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
> > Needs more beans.
> > Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use
> > of peppers.
> > Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
> > spill. My nose feels like
> > I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
> > more
> > beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the
> > back, now my backbone is in
> > the front part of my chest.
> > I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
> > Disappointing.
> > Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
> > side dish for fish or
> > other mild foods, not much of a chili.
> > Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my
> > tongue, but was unable to
> > taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds?
> > Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with
> > fresh refills. That
> > 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT...just like
> > this nuclear waste I'm
> > eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
> > freshly ground, adding
> > considerable kick. Very impressive.
> > Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use
> > more tomato. Must admit
> > the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
> > Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring
> > off my forehead and I can
> > no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people
> > behind me needed
> > paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I
> > told her that her chili
> > had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue
> > from bleeding by pouring
> > beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
> > I'm burning my lips off.
> > It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
> > Screw those rednecks.
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
> > Good balance of spices
> > and peppers.
> > Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of
> > peppers, onions, and garlic.
> > Superb.
> > Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe
> > filled with gaseous,
> > sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and
> > I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
> > behind me except that slut
> > Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't
> > feel my lips anymore. I
> > need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance
> > on canned peppers.
> > Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally
> > threw in a can of chili
> > peppers at the last moment. I should take note that
> > I am worried about Judge
> > # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
> > cursing uncontrollably.
> > Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth,
> > pull the pin, and I
> > wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye,
> > and the world sounds like
> > it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered
> > with chili which slid
> > unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
> > lava like shit to match my
> > shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know
> > what killed me.
> > I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful.
> > Screw it, I'm not getting
> > any oxygen anyway.
> > If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
> > 4-inch hole in my stomach.
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice
> > blend chili.
> > Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its
> > existence.
> > Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili.
> > Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3
> > passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
> > Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted
> > to
> > really hot chili.
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  #42 (permalink)  
Old 10-31-2006, 12:05 PM
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Lmfao!!!!!! I never heard that one before!! That was fuckin awesome!!!!
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Old 10-31-2006, 01:41 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rlwjr13
Lmfao!!!!!! I never heard that one before!! That was fuckin awesome!!!!
Thanks Rick, you like the Stones?......
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  #44 (permalink)  
Old 10-31-2006, 01:45 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by freeway
Thanks Rick, you like the Stones?......
Huh??????? Rolling Stones????????
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  #45 (permalink)  
Old 10-31-2006, 01:47 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rlwjr13
Huh??????? Rolling Stones????????
Forget it! another funny wasted.....
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