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  #16 (permalink)  
Old 09-14-2006, 01:28 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by freeway
I don`t know where that comes from, English women shave their pricks, well all the women I knew did anyway...
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  #17 (permalink)  
Old 09-14-2006, 01:40 PM
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Hehehehehehehehehehe!!!!!!!
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...Handle every stressfull situation like a dog...if you can't eat it or hump it...piss on it and walk away...
"if i got all bent out of shape over folks i don't respect... i might wake up with your life"
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  #18 (permalink)  
Old 09-14-2006, 03:52 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by apehangeralfy
......Wanker!!!...
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" Limp Bizkit sucks fucken dick"


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  #19 (permalink)  
Old 09-14-2006, 04:06 PM
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Certainly explains alot Alfy!!!!!!!!
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...Handle every stressfull situation like a dog...if you can't eat it or hump it...piss on it and walk away...
"if i got all bent out of shape over folks i don't respect... i might wake up with your life"
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  #20 (permalink)  
Old 09-14-2006, 07:20 PM
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Two Trees

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.

A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
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Ua mau ke ea o ka `aina i ka pono

The life of the land is perpetuated in righteousness.

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"Gentlemen, we must all hang together or assuredly we shall all hang separately."

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  #21 (permalink)  
Old 09-14-2006, 09:56 PM
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Farmer told his son to go out and feed the chickens...little boy stormed off to the yard in a huff kicking a few chickens as he went by.....Farmer told his Son, "Fine, see if you get any fried chicken anymore". Later the Farmer told his Son go feed the pigs...Little boy throws a fit and kicks one of the pigs on the way to the barn...Farmer said, "Fine young man you won't get any Pork neither"....After the chores were done the Farmer angered by his Son's poor attitude stomps into the house tripping over the Cat as he walked through the door..Furious he booted the Cat outta the way.......The little boy hollered, "MAMA, You Want me to tell Him or do YOU Wanna?"
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  #22 (permalink)  
Old 09-20-2006, 12:49 AM
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An elderly man lay dying in his little bed, while suffering the agonies of impending death; when he suddenly smells the aroma of his favourite treat, freshly made Welsh cakes, wafting up the stairs from the kitchen.

He gathers his remaining strength, and lifts himself from his bed and, leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he slowly crawls downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leans against the kitchen door frame, gazing through watery eyes into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were dozens of freshly made Welsh cakes fresh from the oven and cooling slowly.

Was he in heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his Devoted Welsh wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this mortal world a truly happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.

His aged and withered hand trembled as it moved slowly towards the closest Welsh cake, possessing extra raisins, his favourite ones laid out neatly at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula.

"F*** off" she says, "they're for the funeral."
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  #23 (permalink)  
Old 09-20-2006, 04:28 PM
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HOW ABOUT SOME BLOND ONES?

What does a blond and a turtle have in common? Once they're on thier back, they're fucked.


Why did the blond get fired from the M&M factory? She was throwing out all the W's.


Why do blonds wear underwear? To keep thier ankles warm.


What's a blond"s favorite color? Clear. (Not very bright, but it spreads very easy).


What do you call a blond doing a handstand? A brunette.


What do you call 12 blonds doing a handstand? A case of Blatz.


A blond gets pulled over, cop walks up to the side of her vehicle and unzips his fly, blond says "damn, not another breathalizer".


Last one.


Blond gets into elevator, looks at this guy and says T.G.I.F. Guys looks back and says S.H.I.T. She says no, T.G.I.F, guy says S.H.I.T. Blond gets pissed and says Thank God its Friday!! Guy says Sorry Honey, its Thursday!!
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I WORK HARD BECAUSE PEOPLE ON WELFARE DEPEND ON ME!!!!

Last edited by hendog213; 09-22-2006 at 01:37 PM..
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  #24 (permalink)  
Old 09-28-2006, 03:13 PM
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A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular
>> Contractions" to his first year medical students.
>> Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor
>> decided to lighten the mood slightly.
>>
>> He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know
>> what your ass hole is doing while you're having an
>> orgasm?"
>>
>> She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."
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if they've made a difference. The Marines don't
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  #25 (permalink)  
Old 10-03-2006, 08:12 AM
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Three Labrador retrievers--one brown, one yellow and one black, were sitting in the surgery waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.

The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here?"

The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the brown lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?"

The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too." the dejected yellow lab said.

The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you here?"

"I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, postboxes, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."

The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?"

The black lab said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."
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Ua mau ke ea o ka `aina i ka pono

The life of the land is perpetuated in righteousness.

***********************************

*****************************

"Gentlemen, we must all hang together or assuredly we shall all hang separately."

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  #26 (permalink)  
Old 10-03-2006, 08:35 AM
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  #27 (permalink)  
Old 10-03-2006, 08:40 AM
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Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived


And if you had a 3 inch floppy . ...



. . . you just hoped nobody ever found out!








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  #28 (permalink)  
Old 10-28-2006, 11:35 AM
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Old Rooster...

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old timer, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these hens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it! You are washed up and I am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters go running by.

He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Damn.....third gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story?
1) You don't get old being a fool!
2) Age, skill, and treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!
3) Don't mess with us OLD TIMERS!
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Ua mau ke ea o ka `aina i ka pono

The life of the land is perpetuated in righteousness.

***********************************

*****************************

"Gentlemen, we must all hang together or assuredly we shall all hang separately."

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  #29 (permalink)  
Old 10-28-2006, 02:12 PM
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Q: Whats the difference between a hoover vacum cleaner and a harley
A: On a harley the dirt bag is on the outside

Q: Whats the difference between a porcupine and a bmw
A: The porcupine has the pricks on the outside

Q: Why do women fart less than men
A: They can't keep their mouths shut long enough to build up any pressure.

Q:What do you call a redneck with a sheep under each arm
A: Pimp

Q: Why do scotsmen wear kilts
A: In scotland the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away
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  #30 (permalink)  
Old 10-29-2006, 07:05 AM
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A nurse walks into a bank to cash a check. Preparing to endorse it, She pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it. Noticing that the teller is looking at her strangely, she doesn't miss a beat and says, " Oh great..... Just great.... some asshole's got my pen."
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